Wounded (Short Story)

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Wounded (Short Story)

Post by Linda-Senpai on Mon May 11, 2015 2:20 am

Hey this is a short story I just wrote to practice my 'Show Don't Tell' and 'More Action, Less Dialogue' skills, which are my biggest weaknesses as a writer. Would love any and all comments and critiscm, thankies <3


Wounded


My teeth clatter and my whole body shivers. I wrap my arms around myself, tears rolling down my cheeks, plopping to the ground along with the pouring rain. A car drives by, splashing me in freezing cold water. Now my fuzzy pink sweater is soaked, ruining the only hope I had of staying warm out here.  "Come on Linda, you've made it this far. You can't stop here." I tell myself. My parents cars aren't in the driveway, so I know nobody's home. I need to hurry, they get off work at 7 P.M., which is just thirty minutes away. I reach into my pocket  to pull out my house key, but my hands are shaking so much I drop it in the flowerbed. 

After retrieving it, I slowly unlock the front door, my heart beating so fast I fear it might burst. Stepping inside, I see the house is pitch black, and the only sounds I can hear is the peaceful singing of the crickets. Their singing makes it feel as if I'm being welcomed home, but how could I ever be welcomed back here? 

I shut and lock the door behind me, and take my flashlight out of my pocket, and shine it at the shoe rack. The pair of shoes my parents always wear to work aren't there, so I'm assured they aren't home. I walk up the stairs one by one, as quietly as I can, and I make my way to what used to be my bedroom. 

Why am I not surprised when I see that all of my stuff is gone? My bed, my computer, my book collection, my posters...they've stripped my room bare! Have they no hope that I would return one day? Do they even care that I'm gone? 

I look at my reflection in the mirror, and the sight is truly pitiful. My long black hair is all over the place, dripping wet. My hazel eyes are red from so much crying. My sweater is covered in mud and soaked in rain water. My jeans are so soggy from the rain they feel like they've doubled in weight. 
I open my closet, and the only thing inside is a bag of clothes with a label that reads "Salvation Army." My clothes...they plan to send my clothes to the Salvation Army. They really don't have any hope that I'll return. I strip myself naked, tossing the wet  clothes aside, and dig through the bag.
While changing into the warmest pair of clothes I can find, seeing the wounds on my body reminds me far too clearly of all the suffering I endured here, bringing the tears back to my eyes. After putting on four pairs of socks, three pairs of underwear, two pairs of sweatpants, and three jackets over my shirt, I take my items out of the pockets of the clothes I took off. First, the picture of me, and my little brother.

"I'm so sorry for leaving you all alone, but don't worry, big sis is here to make things right." I say to myself while I take the second item out of my pocket. A knife. This should be all I need to right my wrongs, right?

I walk over to my brother's room and try to open the door, but it's locked. How is his door locked when nobody's home? When the door opens, I fall on my rear in so much fear I wet myself on the spot. "I failed!" I whisper.

"Linda?" I hear the familiar voice ask. The lights turn on, and right in front of me is none other than my brother! His clothes are tattered, hair is uncombed, and in his left hand he's holding the same raggedy teddy bear he got on his fourth birthday.

"D-Did you...say my name? When did you learn to speak?!" I ask, embracing him.

"Knife...why?" He asks, pointing to the knife I dropped. Hearing his voice speaking words is a miracle to me. He was born with autism, and because our parents are so neglectful, he was never taught how to speak.

"It's okay, I'm going to save you from this hell." I hear my dad's car pull up in the driveway. It's time. There's no turning back now. "Wait here." I tape his mouth shut just to be safe, then creep down the stairs. I stand behind the door, holding the knife tightly with both hands.

As soon as the door opens, before he even knows what's going on, I jab the knife right through his eyes socket, and quickly yank it out. He grabs his eye, yelling in pain, then I stab his other eye out. He swings his fist in a random direction, but hits me right in the jaw, sweeping me off my feet. I'm no stranger to being victim to his fist, and I have the upper hand here. I kick him under the belt and he kneels over in pain, swearing and swinging his fists in a rage. I stab him over and over again in the chest, neck, gut, and groin, until he finally passes away.

"He's dead..." I tell myself, as I wipe the blood off my hands, staining the clean white floor. 
I hear my mother's car pull up in the driveway, and as soon as she comes inside, I get rid of her just like I did to my dad, only this was easier. My brother comes down the stairs, crying hysterically, trying to rip the tape off his mouth, so I do it for him.

"Daddy...mommy...why?" 

"Shh, we have to get out of here before anyone finds out." I cover his mouth and try to drag him out with me, but he resists.

"Mommy and daddy good! Linda bad!" He shoves me back, leaving me confused.

"What are you talking about...? I came did all this for you! You're the reason I came back here! I'm here to save you!"

"Go away!!!" he yells, crying over the corpses of our parents.

I know I need to run as soon as possible if I don't want the cops to catch me, but can I really leave him here? Have I done all this for nothing. Shaking my head and wiping the tears off my face, I exit through the back door, and run. I don't know where I'm running too, but I just keep running as fast as my legs can take me. I killed my parents and now my brother hates me. There's no place in the world for me.


Achievments in spoiler.
Spoiler:
DA League S2, S9, and S11 winner
Chronos Survival Cup 3 Winner. TBUT2 and TBUT3 winner.
Won 29+ DA lives
DA Lives season 0, and season 1 winner.
Won more DA lives than anyone else. Alot more.
Supreme queen of May 2012, April-May 2013, and May 2014.
Three time Survival Master
My current DA record: Wins:451 Lost: 81 Draws: 6
Former Teacher and Assistant. Former Moderator.
First to ever reach the Abandoned Dark League
Moderator of the year 2013.
DA Regionals 2012 and 2013 top 4
Badass since 2011
First to ever pass the Slifer Exam, with a score of 34/35.
Much more.

Linda-Senpai

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Re: Wounded (Short Story)

Post by Kandy.JPEG on Tue May 12, 2015 12:44 am

I enjoyed it, keep it up!

Please make more stories following this, would love to read.




"Our largest regrets are not for things we did, but for things we did not do. Things we did not say; love that never could happen. We bury our regrets by promising to change our ways. But sometimes we don't get to change the past."

~Mr.Kandy

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Re: Wounded (Short Story)

Post by JDMs13 on Tue May 12, 2015 1:11 am

Mr.Kandy wrote:I enjoyed it, keep it up!

Please make more stories following this, would love to read.
Ditto


Taking life one corner at a time!

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Re: Wounded (Short Story)

Post by Quasar on Tue May 12, 2015 1:18 am

that escalated quickly o_o
But I really love it keep writing stuff like this, I will gladly read them :D



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Re: Wounded (Short Story)

Post by Skitoritto on Tue May 12, 2015 5:02 am

Liked how you kept us in the dark a bit, the part when you mentioned the knife and what you are going to do with it came too soon, should have called it something else and make us wonder how the hell she got a knife.

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Re: Wounded (Short Story)

Post by Linda-Senpai on Tue May 12, 2015 5:36 am

Glad you guys enjoyed it :D tyvm for reading

@Skit: you mean like having the knife been in a little case or something and when she took it out her pocket, making the readers wonder whats inside, then leave them going OH SHIT! when she takes it out and kills them? Hmm yeah that would've been better.


Achievments in spoiler.
Spoiler:
DA League S2, S9, and S11 winner
Chronos Survival Cup 3 Winner. TBUT2 and TBUT3 winner.
Won 29+ DA lives
DA Lives season 0, and season 1 winner.
Won more DA lives than anyone else. Alot more.
Supreme queen of May 2012, April-May 2013, and May 2014.
Three time Survival Master
My current DA record: Wins:451 Lost: 81 Draws: 6
Former Teacher and Assistant. Former Moderator.
First to ever reach the Abandoned Dark League
Moderator of the year 2013.
DA Regionals 2012 and 2013 top 4
Badass since 2011
First to ever pass the Slifer Exam, with a score of 34/35.
Much more.

Linda-Senpai

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Survial Master

Posts : 12101
Duel Points : 21,410
Reputation Points : 118
Pro Decklists : 6
Medallions : 1
True Senpai Community Slacker Business man Get me out of here! I got rid of my girlfriend! Topic for you and you and everybody! He was lucky Yo Mama Supreme King GG2EZ Beatdown New hero in town Survival Master Give me your money! Popular Figure

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Re: Wounded (Short Story)

Post by Skitoritto on Tue May 12, 2015 11:22 am

Yeah, and when she uses the case on them describe the cut action the way you would descripe the use of a knife. It would cause so much confusion and will make it nemotable. After the end of your short story put an image of a bloddy knife or dead human killed with a knife.

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